A Night to Remember
by Abyss the Hedgehog
Summary: Hangovers are bad, especially if you end up on the second end of the world because of them. As Vi's example can demonstrate, don't you ever do drinking contests with suspicious characters. Loosely based on certain quest in Skyrim, contains lots of bad humor, Vi being Vi and more bad humor. Rated T for swearing and possible slightly sexual undertones.
1. How We Got Here

**I thought I might give it a go and do some short fic instead of giant epics. Here we go then. Join Vi on an epic trip all across Runeterra in this reincarnation of certain quest from Skyrim.**

* * *

It has not been a good day for Vi.

As if losing a fifth match in a row wasn't bad enough, she also lost her lane to _Soraka_ of all people and got her gauntlets damaged later on in the last teamfight. Turns out, you do not punch Zhonya'd Malphite to see what happens, as her dumbass summoner didn't know. Repairing the malfunctioning piece took her another number of hours, stripped off the spare time she had and generally left her in a considerably foul mood.

So now she was here, in Institute of War's bar, sipping low-quality ale and cursing everything on Runeterra. Being low on coin was undermining her morale even more. The fact that she had no one to talk to here as opposed to usual crowds of champions and summoners gathered here was just an insult to injury.

"Whoop-de-fucking-do." She muttered, downing the rest of her mug. She was beginning to feel a bit tipsy. World around her was starting to get much more vibrant progressively over time. She couldn't care less. All she wanted at the moment was to get hammered, have a hangover and use it as an excuse to spend the rest of the next day resting. "Get me one more, Big Round." She motioned to an incredibly obese bear of a man with a ginger bread, currently busy polishing a glass of wine. Gragas huffed at the nickname, but complied eagerly. After all, he was still getting coin from her and that was more than enough to make him tolerate those. Vi was giving nicknames to anyone anyway and this one was still mildly tame. Considering Draven got christened as "Mop" and Thresh received a nickname of "Hatstand", he couldn't complain.

"Sure ya want another one, lassie?" He inquired, giving the pink-haired Piltoverian a cautious look.

"That's the seventh one already."

"Oh shut it and pour." She responded with a half-growl, giving him a tired stare. "Do I look like someone requiring a lecture?"

"Ya're the boss." Gragas shrugged indifferently and poured her another round. Vi gave a weak nod and promptly downed mug's contents.

"Why am I even drinking this piss is beyond me." Piltover Enforcer sighed miserably, initially not noticing the newcomer who took place next to her. Her first tip was bartender's sudden eye-shrinking.

"I've been wondering that for a while too, Miss Vi." A stranger said in a polite, calm tone, taking off his wide-brimmed hat and gesturing to Gragas. "Two Graggy Ice." A ginger-bearded giant nodded and began pouring his specialty, known also as "best alcoholic beverage in all of Runeterra". "Want one?" He asked the woman, smiling.

"...do I know you?" She responded with a question, furrowing a brow. The man before her was a bespectacled chestnut with strangely watery blue-green eyes. He couldn't be older than her, no way. Dressed in black clothing, he had a small purple brace on his left hand. A summoner, one of the many. This one, however, seemed to prefer more informal clothing instead of typical purple robes they were wearing.

"Not in person." Summoner responded, taking his Graggy Ice and gesturing to Vi to do the same. Pink-haired Piltoverian hesitantly took her mug. What was this guy's game? "I have heard about you though."

"I doubt anyone didn't."

"Point taken." A bespectacled man chuckled and took a sip. "Ah, Graggy Ice. Finest ale there is. But I didn't introduce myself, my apologizes. Casper Stratoavis, a summoner."

"That much I've noticed. Vi, but you probably know that." She responded indifferently, sipping her own ale. The difference was considerable. "You took a wrong time to visit. It's completely empty."

"Eh, I like it better that way. Not a biggest fan of crowds, it's too easy to start a brawl."

"Heh. I don't usually start brawls, but if there is one busting out, I'm not the one to refuse." Vi grinned, downing the rest of her mug. Now that was alcohol.

"Say, Miss Vi..."

"Vi's enough."

"Are you up for a drinking contest?" Pink-haired woman looked at the bespectacled summoner, surprised. What? That bookworm wanted to what?

"It's not going to be fair. I had a few already." She responded. There had to be some catch here. In response Casper downed the rest of his own mug and shook visibly.

"I'm a featherweight." He murmured with a smile. Indeed, it seemed he was already somewhat shaky.

"Then why the fuck are you even attempting to do a drinking contest with a seasoned drinker?"

"Because it amuses me. Besides, I'm having my own agenda in this."

"Oh really now?"

"If I win, I'm inviting you for dinner." He adjusted his glasses with a smug smile.

Vi was mildly surprised, but knew this would happen eventually. She wasn't a type to receive too many love letters, invitations or the likes. Gals like Ahri or Janna were the ones with most fans. She, on the other hand, was feared and probably not quite regarded as a target of similar attempt. She remembered one match when after a successful gank Katarina casually remarked how Vi's image as a "motor oil dyke" is getting popular. Piltover Enforcer laughed all the way to bottom and even when she scored a double kill on stunlocked Ashe and Sona. Nautilus and Varus are regarding her as "weird" to this day.

Guess there were the strangest fetishes on the run.

"What if _I_ win?" She asked with a smirk. That nerd must have been suicidally overconfident.

"Then, this will be yours for the taking." Casper took a small ring from his pocket and placed it on the bar for Vi to see. It was made of... diamond.

"Hoo boy, sunshine. Where did you even get that thing?" Piltover Enforcer perhaps wasn't the most knowledgeable on topic of gems – that title would go to Taric – but even she knew how much this thing was worth.

"I have rich associates." Stratoavis responded.

"And how do I know it's not stolen?"

"Questioning Summoner's honesty? I'm insulted, Miss Vi." Bespectacled man scoffed, mockingly insulted.

"He's right, lassie." Gragas butted into conversation, still polishing the glass. "He might be a weird lad, but he surely is a honest one." Rabble Rouser was the last person Vi would suspect to be involved in any way with thievery. She nodded reluctantly.

"Guess it's worth taking the risk." Pink-haired grinned.

"Three glasses. If you will still be conscious after the third one, the ring is yours." Casper said, reaching into his pocket.

"Just three? You've already lost that trinket." Vi responded, giving him a challenging glare.

"Oh, not Graggy Ice. We'll use this one." Stratoavis pulled out a big bottle marked with red hot flames all over the glasses. Green liquid inside seemed rather... volatile.

"...holy shit." Piltover Enforcer was shocked, to say the least. "Is that a...?"

"Indeed. Brighter Tomorrow, the hardest-kicking absinth in all of Runeterra."

"...Right Hand took two mugs and collapsed lifeless." She murmured, amazed. Getting that brand of alcohol was not only expensive, it was also incredibly difficult: Brighter Tomorrow was banned everywhere in Runeterra except Bilgewater and, curiously enough, Bandle City. Even if you tracked it down, merely getting a glass was more expensive than few bottles of a good-quality wine. Getting a whole bottle, now that was unheard of.

"Think you can take three glasses?" Casper smiled slightly.

"It's on, Four Eyes!"

* * *

Three glasses later...

"Did it. Tooootally did it." Vi slurred, grinning like a goofball. "Shtill holding myshelf up, you shee?"

"Indeed I can." A bespectacled summoner curiously remained suspiciously unaffected by three glasses of Brighter Tommorow.

"Alrightsh..." Loud burp. "Now ish time you're givin' me... thish... trinket."

"It's yours for the taking, Miss Vi." Indeed, a diamond ring was lying on the bar.

"Heh. Eashily won..." Pink-haired woman's face went down a second later, hitting the desk with a loud thud. Snore. Another snore.

Stratoavis smirked. Mission accomplished.

Gragas just sighed, putting the polished glass in a right place.

"Same old, eh, laddie?" He inquired.

"Indeed, my friend, indeed."

"Where is she going to end up?"

"Didn't decide yet. However, I'll make sure this night will be a night to remember for our lady right here." Summoner chuckled, taking the ring with him.

* * *

**Let the shenanigans begin. Stay tuned for more. :3**


	2. Ionian Impossibilities

**Alright. I know it's not a masterpiece, but hopefully you're going to enjoy ensuing epic travel of hilarity. Of course, I'll appreciate any reviews.**

* * *

...fuck.

This is probably the worst hangover I've ever had. Never drinking that stuff again.

I give a glance around. Everything seems pretty okay, just the way it was before my lights went out... wait a second.

Since when Big Round had a bigass statue of Soraka in his bar? And when did it get so funky and gold-plated and...

…

…

The fuck am I doing in Ionian temple?

"Oh good, you're awake." The calm, warm voice behind me. Soraka's. As if I didn't have enough of that unicorn already. I get up and turn around to see the gal who taught me the lesson in top lane yesterday.

"...yo." I respond, still somewhat dumbfounded. No drinking can get you _that_ far. I'm certain this was that four-eyes' doing, but how the hell... "Look, I..."

"Oh, there's no need in explaining." Soraka shushes me with that motherly look she gives to so many people every time she's babysitting one of the carries in bottom lane. "Being that heavily intoxicated yields most unexpected of results." Most unexpected... oh no. Are you telling me there's more? Please don't tell me there's more.

"...what did I do?"

"Let me count." ...shit. I expect the worst. "You started in the port, laid down several mariners, made your way through main street while sharp-singing your theme song and smacking senseless every person who dared to question your singing skills, french-kissed Irelia, made a complete mess around this place, climbed your way on the statue and kept fondling its breasts until you passed out in its grasp." ...the way she says all of this with this warm motherly smile makes me want to punch bears.

I mean, holy shit. This is _far _beyond what I'm doing when I'm hammered. Suffice to say, I tend to stay either within Piltover's or Institute of War's borders. The worst thing I remember doing was confessing to Heimerdinger. He took it seriously and there was a lot of explaining when I was sober again.

...this was far beyond confessing to a pseudo-Yordle.

"...God." Is all I manage to utter.

"I know, I know. Don't worry, it happens to every-"

"N-no, that's not what I mean!" I cut her off, getting progressively angrier. Oh, that egghead will get what's coming to him. "I mean, I was drinking in Big Round's canteen. How the fuck did I end up here, of all places?!" Soraka looks at me funny.

"Are you sure you're sober?"

"Don't be that gal, Unicorn."

"I'll also appreciate if you don't call me that." Her stare intensifies. People never really saw an angry Soraka, but if she can throw space thrash at you every few seconds, I fear to imagine what would happen if she were actually serious.

"...right. Sorry, Uni-Soraka."

"It is no problem." She goes back to fairly neutral expression.

"Alright. How did I end up in the port though?"

"One of the mariners said you disembarked from Bilgewaterian ship." Oh great. Bilgewater, huh? Guess I'll be having a trip there too. Something tells me this wasn't enough.

"...great. Tell people I'm sorry, I have one egghead to find and punch his eyes through the back of his school." Giving Soraka rather half-assed handwave I turn to leave.

"Wait." Her voice suddenly intensifies again. "You have to clean up this mess." I look around.

Traces of barfing, few smaller statues knocked down on the ground, tons of shred paper – why the fuck do you even have that paper here?! - some rubble, some broken glass...

"...oh come on, Soraka... you know I wouldn't do that."

"I'm more than certain this is what you would do." ...this is getting nowhere.

"Alright, alright. Can I get a mop or something?"

"Oh yes, they're in the corner over there. Please inform me or one of the priests here when you're finished."

"...will do." Content with that, Soraka smiles and walks off from the hall, leaving me with all of that.

...oh that's it. That Stratoavis guy is dead next time I spot him.

* * *

My time flies slowly.

Getting rid of all of that is painful and time-consuming, but eventually the whole temple shines like the top of Bird's head. Dandy.

Putting the mop in its place and stretching a bit, I turn to leave when suddenly someone blocks my path.

...Irelia. Great. As if I didn't have enough trouble here.

"...Piltover Enforcer, can we talk?" She asks me. Just like I address people by nicknames of all sorts, she uses their official sobriquets all the time, reserving their names for a few chosen.

"...look, I can explain all of this."

"No, you don't have to." She shakes her head. "You were drunk, this happens to everyone." ...why is she blushing? Oh c'mon, don't tell me she took it at face's value as well!

"No, I think I should." I clear my throat. "Maybe you will believe me."

"Believe what?"

"I was in the Institute of War, in Big Round's canteen, honest."

"...how can I believe that when you were clearly seen in the po-"

"Irelia." I put a hand on her shoulder and shake her lightly. "Listen me carefully. I was somewhere entirely else. You do know teleportation is possible, then why the hell do you find it hard to believe?"

"Well, it's mostly because current teleportation is restricted to small distances and using so many in quick succession to get you from the Institute of War here – and through the water, nonetheless – is next to impossible." ...she's got a point. How did I end up here though if I remember clearly being in Big Round's canteen?

I mean... I don't even have a _reason_ to be in Ionia. Hell, it's my first time here!

"...I know it might sound farfetched, but..."

"It does sound quite farfetched." Irelia nods. "Can I ask you a question?"

"...yeah?"

"That kiss, I, uh, I wasn't quite prepared for that and..."

"I was drunk, apparently." I respond with a shrug. "Sorry for that, sunshine." She looks away, embarrassed.

"...it was my first." Well, great job, Vi. Just how many things did you fuck up on your drunken spree?

"Shit. I mean, I'm sorry it was me. Probably not the most pleasant of experiences." I chuckle awkwardly, trying to lighten the mood somehow.

"Oh... actually, about that... I..." ...don't tell this. Don't you dare tell-

"I liked it." And you told it.

"...excuse me?" Irelia almost immediately looks away.

Both we and Shiny – Jayce, that is – had our suspicions about her. We've seen our oh so lovely hammer-wielding hero getting shot down with his offer to go out for dinner, but we thought it's more like she's so dedicated to Ionian cause. Then again however, she seemed incredibly – and I say incredibly – flustered when Boobs bumped into her with her etwahl the other day.

"I... um, I liked it." The awkward silence surely is awkward.

"...okay. Uh... glad you... liked it?" She's now blood red. I, on the other hand, just feel plain stupid. For a hero of Ionia she can be incredibly confused sometimes.

"We need to repeat that one day!" The way she exclaimed it makes me think she's serious. She might be serious.

"No offense, sunshine, but... I, uh..." Do I even swing that way? Funny I never thought about that. One could jokingly say I'm "violence-sexual". Then I would probably punch out all of one's teeth.

"In top-lane! Between the gentle brush, alone with ourselves!" Alright, I think you're getting bit too romantic.

"Considerin' our summoners would see us..." Irelia deflates a bit.

"Oh. Right. Then between matches, in a isolated place!"

"I'll consider that." I roll my eyes, a bit irritated. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a certain four-eyed jackass."

"I don't think going outside is a good idea." The black-haired girl looks at me and seems slightly worried.

"Huh?" Oh, what now?

"Um... many people are waiting outside. You did quite a ruckus on your drunken spree, Piltover Enforcer." Tell me something I don't know, sunshine. "Of all people, you smacked down Arrow of Retribution and Dark Sovereign." Great. Just great. Scarf and Balls, just great. Two most unwanted people in whole Ionia – except maybe Bird and his Noxian crew – and they just so happened to be here. Okay, Varus maybe doesn't quite cut it, but it's still clear nobody here wants to have anything in common with him. As for Syndra, she's basically a local Veigar, except maybe she's actually dangerous.

"Why those two freakshows are even here?" I groan a question. Irelia shrugs.

"Sadly, I do not know. They, however, lead a crowd demanding your punishment. Only Starchild's adamant demeanor stops them from entering this sacred place."

"Great, just great. Fuckin' awesome all of this is." Rubbing my temples, I try to think of a way to get out of here without wasting anymore time. I would have to plow through lots of people, including two champions of the League. Rank-and-file ain't much of a problem, but both Varus and Syndra aren't chumps...

"There is a secret way out of here and it leads to the port." Irelia remarks shyly.

"...what do you want?"

"Excuse me?"

"You could say that way earlier and yet you decided to say it to me later on, seeing as I cope with this so hilariously fucked-up situation. It's clear you're in it for somethin'." The way she's silent makes me think this trip is going to be much longer than expected.

"Can I go with you?"

"...urgh, fine." Irelia lights up like a light bulb. Sheesh. What's with that girl? "I could use a hand, to be honest, what's with this whole thing. Aren't you in some duties here though?"

"Not really. I am not summoned as often as I used to be..." Oh yeah, that incident with this summoner named Morello... "and I'm not really needed here as well at the moment. I could use an adventure." Sigh coming from me. Yeah, this is going to be a long day.

* * *

The secret passageway was located behind Soraka's statue. To open it, you had to climb your way to the statue's horn and snap fingers at top of it. Irelia didn't even bother with climbing, just sent one of her blades to tap it slightly. It also opened rather quietly. Just a small whoosh and done. Practical.

We made our way through it rather quickly. In few minutes we were already in port.

"Alright. We have to jump on one of those ships." I murmur, looking around. One of them piques my attention, it's one of those Freljordian long boats. They seem like they're about to leave. Irelia gives me a glance, seems she's also interested in that certain ship.

We make our run towards it. One of the figures on board looks familiar. Yup, you can't mistake that long blond beard with anything else.

"Yo, Axes!" I shout. Burly man in a horned helmet turns towards us, genuinely surprised, then smiles.

"That's a meeting, stúlkur." Olaf smiles in a goofy grin. "Especially you, pink-haired." I know he never bothers to remember names of any female in the League. Any of them. I wonder if he remembers Boar's. After all, she's his sort of boss.

"Yeah yeah, I'll probably get that a lot in the next few days." I wave my hand dismissively. "Think we can jump in?"

"Fair maidens are always welcome on Lokfarian ship." One of Olaf's comrades, equally burly and equally bearded laughs heartily.

"What Bjorn said. Do you sail to Bilgewater though?"

"Yes, indeed." Irelia nods. Blond-bearded man doesn't seem too surprised, even if it's a common knowledge Ionia and Bilgewater aren't on best terms(though it's not that bad as with Noxus and Demacia). Appearance of high-ranked member of Ionian military might be insulting. Then again, do pirates bother with formalities and similar things? "We will pay for travel, of course."

"Pay for travel?" Olaf seems bewildered. "Don't be joking around, stelpa! Everybody's welcome on Lokfarian ship if they can match its original crew."

"Great. If any of your pals touches me or her, I'm kicking you all outta the ship and hijack it. Got it?" I casually remark. The Berserker lets out a loud laugh.

"If you can drink the way we can, be our guests!" Oh yeah. He probably must refer to that one time there was that drinking contest back in Big Round's canteen. I was relatively new in the League back then, so I thought it might be a nice way to start. There were a few champions and and a few summoners in there, most notably Axes, Right Hand, Mop and, curiously enough, Fox. The way she and Olaf outdrank the opposition was truly spectacular. I gave up somewhere in the middle, collapsing right on Oranges and some summoner muttering something about "tons of damage". Later I've heard Ahri won by one glass of Demacian Lightning, let out a long half-burp, half-victory cry... and collapsed immediately afterward.

"We sure can!" I respond, grinning. The way Irelia's face is twisted though makes me think she might be a featherweight. Makes sense, none of Ionians are particularly tough physically-wise.

And so, we disembark on Olaf's ship to Bilgewater, in search of questions... something tells me incidents in Ionia were not all that egghead had in store.

* * *

**And there we go. Stay tuned for more, read and review. :)**


	3. Bilgewaterian Bickering

**Alright, we left Ionia behind. Time to go to Bilgewater and see just what could possibly happen there.**

* * *

To say Irelia felt uncomfortable on that longboat would be an understatement.

Turns out her being supposedly a featherweight wasn't the reason why she seemed reluctant from entering the ship. She had a sea sickness. A bitch of an ailment if you ask me. On a bigger ship perhaps it'd be easier to avoid this... and since we were swimming on a Lokfarian vessel, she had her head stuck outside, adorned with a sickly green everywhere on her face. Rather sensibly, none of Olaf's pals decide to even strike up a conversation.

"There's an old belief amongst the Lokfarians that women on ship will bring misfortune on the sailors." Blond-bearded casually mentioned to me at one point.

"And now you've got two." I responded with a grin. He grinned too, although he did seem to be somewhat worried about his longboat.

"I wouldn't say you quite fit, stelpur." The Berserker shrugged. "That Ionian gal was revived at one point, so maybe ancestors simply removed some part of her femininity out of her body?" Philosophizing with a burly barbarian and plunderer surely can be amusing at times. We spent some time drinking Lokfarian ale and contemplating what do ancestors do, stuff like that. I felt like talking after a really powerful crack, that absurd this was.

* * *

There was one thing that bugged me: why guys from an end of the world sail all the way to the second end of the world just to trade? And why do they trade in the first place if they're better known for remorselessly plundering any settlement near water?

"Things changed a bit." Olaf responds, shrugging. "Winter's Claw might be all about turning Freljord upside down mostly on our own, but Sejuani is in need of allies." Ah, so he does remember her name. Classy.

"Wouldn't it be easier for you to look somewhere closer?" Then again, the only nation I can imagine siding with those guys would be Noxus and I'm pretty sure Boar wouldn't have any of it.

"Not a place for us to look. Outsiders wish for Freljord to become Ashe's property." Huh. Despite him and the entire Lokfar peninsula siding with Sejuani, he seems pretty cool about that. "I have nothing against her as a person, but what she does as a supposed queen of Freljord is unacceptable. We didn't go so far in the past only to become Demacian lapdogs."

"Harsh. Think it's that bad?"

"If not worse. From what I have gathered in the capital, she consults every movement of Freljord with Demacians. Where is barbarian's pride in all of this, I ask?" I'd rather not present my own opinion. I don't mind Ashe – even if she could grow a spine and stop being a doormat – but I guess I wouldn't appreciate a nation full of bloodthirsty machines made flesh hell-bent on going on a rampage.

I shrug in response. "So, since neither Noxus nor Zaun nor Demacia are going to help you out, you're sailin' all the way to Bilgewater?"

"Aye, stelpa." Olaf nods rather enthusiastically. There's a lot in common between them and us, so they might be able to help us out in this way or the other."

"Bilgewater á sjóndeildarhringnum!" A sudden shout of a guy far up on a foretop. What did he say? It sounded like he put a cat into a wringer...

"We're getting close." The Berserker remarks, seeing my confused expression. "In an hour we should be mooring."

"Awesome!"

"...thank goodness..." Irelia's still hanging on the side of a ship, but for one seems at least content with fact she won't have to shake around any longer.

* * *

It should be noted first: I've never been to Bilgewater either. I always imagined it as some sort of city on water, full of people speaking in that fun accent Oranges has, drinking lots of rum, keeping flintlocks everywhere and wearing ridiculous hats.

Turns out, the image I pictured is surprisingly accurate. People in funny hats are everywhere. Had Caitlyn wasn't a cop, she would feel like at home here.

Since I am the other brand of cop though – the one known for "Police Brutality", the term which was coined by former Head Chief of Piltoverian Police Curtis Striker – I can appreciate the amount of fights and brawls this place might have to offer. If what happened in Ionia was any indication, I'm more than certain we'll get involved in at least one brawl. I honestly doubt people here will stop just because someone entered supposed holy place looking for cover.

Both me and Irelia disembark in the port.

"Take care of yourself, stelpur." Olaf greets us with that weird word I will never bother learning. "Hopefully you'll find what you're looking for." With that, he turns away to keep check of his men managing the goods.

"...might I ask, Piltover Enforcer, what _do_ we look for?" Irelia asks me, still a little bit green after our sailing.

"First of all, let's call each other names, alright? Makes it easier." She blushes a bit. Guess I shouldn't butt into this small group of people she calls by their first names, but the situation is rather special.

"If you wish." She nods strongly in answer. Good. One thing down, one more to go.

"Secondly, I have no frickin' idea what are we looking for and that's the biggest problem of it all." I add, looking cautiously around. This place is way too dangerous. At least I don't feel unnerved by this weird atmosphere Ionia has any longer.

The fact that people keep giving Irelia rather hostile looks isn't very reassuring either.

"You stick out too much, sunshine." I whisper to her. Of course, she goes all flustered.

"W-what do you want me to do?" She responds in a whisper, a bit panicky.

"First, you need to hide those blades somehow, then you'll have to think about other clothes. Thank God you're not in your red armor thingy or we would be havin' lots of trou-

"Stop where you're standing, lassies!" ...Oranges. Of course. Always funnier to go after more important figures.

I turn around to see our lovely citrus-chomping pirate, one hand on his sword, the other on his feared Parrrley pistol. He's accompanied by lots of other pirates, all of them rather hostile.

"...yo, Oranges. Nice weather we're havin'?"

"Yo yourself, wench!" Oh, he's mad. Like "Imma fuck up your shit diagonally" mad. "You still haven't pay the price!"

"...price. Price for what?"

"It's been a while someone on those isles was that drunk, wench. Apart from causing general chaos, you sunk Spatz's ship, shattered balls of me mate with those hellish gauntlets of yours, poured out all of rum into water from Myron's Murderhole and, worst of all, sold me smaller vessel to those merwomen of Tidecaller!"

...fuck. This is getting better and better. The way Irelia's expression turned from alarmed to rather... confused speaks it all.

"Question, cupcake." I stretch out a bit. With the two of us it should be easy to plow through those guys, Gangplank included, grab the ship and sail the fuck outta here. There's a difference between making mess in the temple and _sinking a goddamn_ _ship!_ How the hell did I even manage to pull that off? Did I punch a gunpowder barrel or somethin'?! That breeds the question though, how am I still alive after such a stunt? As for commenting on Gangplank's sold ship... yeah, I'll excuse myself and say I've no idea either. "Just how did I end up here?"

"Folks said you jumped off Yordles' ship." One of Oranges' mates mentions. Yordles then? Oh, I fear to imagine what could happen _there. _

"Dandy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have one mess in Bandle City to fix, so I'll just ollie myself out with Blades and we'll be on our w-" One of the desks an inch next to my foot breaks in two from the bullet. Guess we won't be able to leave. Irelia reflexively holds her levitating blades at the ready, preparing herself for possible battle.

"And now you have a gall to set your foot with an Ionian!" Gangplank almost spats out those words. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't have ya keelhauled, lassie!"

"Well, if you do try to keelhaul me, I will probably have to punch your shit so hard you will jump straight out of your boots." Oranges' mates raise their weapons in unison. Gangplank himself just lets out a laugh.

"Coarse ribald lass you are." Meanwhile, I gesture to Irelia to lower the blades. If anything goes as planned, we might not have to plow our way through the populace of pissed off pirates. She does so, albeit rather reluctantly. "Alright. Let's say me's a merciful man. I'll give you a day to give me back me ship and let the rest slip. A day, starting from now." I look up. It's a noontide.

"Awesome. Give us a ship and we'll be on our way." Gangplank chuckles.

...a catch. Of course there would be one.

"Who said you two will get a ship?" He says, smiling the smuggest bastard ever.

"...let me get this straight. You want us to get your ship back in a day from folks living deep underwater, without an other ship to even get to their place."

"Precisely."

"What the actual flying fuck, Oranges?" He scoffs like a kid.

"Well, if ya could blow up the ship by punching it, then you can get it back as well!" He's doing this out of spite, but this is way too low.

"...alright. We'll think of somethin'." Gangplank seems content as he gestures to his men. They walk away, leaving pissed-off Yours Truly and completely dumbfounded Irelia.

"What do we do... Vi?" She asks me.

"I'd love to know. Might as well go and drown right now. This is fuckin' impossible, sunshine. Neither you nor I can breathe underwater, right? We don't even know where Mermaid's place is. Gah!"

"We must think. Concentrate. Perhaps you can remind yourself of something."

"That's the problem, cupcake, I remember nothin'. My last memory is waking up in the temple back in your place and somehow I've been here and in Bandle City too. I fear to imagine where else could I possibly be."

"Hm..." I can see she has no idea what to do, despite trying her best to think of something to aid my cause. Nice of her. "In that case, we need to think of a way to retrieve the vessel."

"Nothin' comes up to my mind, sunshine. We're boned."

"There _must_ be some way! After you sold this ship, you had to go back here somehow, right?" ...she's got a point.

"Alright, Irelia, brainstormin'. How could I possibly make a return from a city of merfolk back here?"

"Diver suit with handy air containers?" Bingo.

"Question number two, from who would I get a diver suit here?" Her expression almost immediately goes down and I already can see what she's thinking.

"...dear God."

* * *

A lone figure clad in a diver suit sits on a shore, watching the sun hiding behind horizon. Easily bigger than most muscled of men, carrying a giant anchor on a chain.

Nautilus turns to face us. His expression is as blank as usual, but merely staring at what was once a man in a diver suit is extremely unnerving. Some say even Shadow and folks from Void are feeling uneasy when staring him down at whatever occasion.

"**GOOD EVENING."** He waves very slowly. It's hard to say if he's surprised to see us. Anchor's voice has only two settings: monotonous neutral and slightly raised a.k.a pissed-off.

"Yo." I wave back, putting my best grin.

"Greetings, Titan of the Depths." Irelia gives him a slight nod, also smiling slightly. Very slightly.

"**WEIRD TO SEE YOU TWO HERE."** Nautilus picks up one of the stones lying on the shore and throws it at the ocean. "**YOU ARE NO PIRATES."**

"It's a longer story, sunshine. Look, there's one thing we'd like to ask you." Even guys like Anchor had hobbies and in his case it was collecting diver suits and stashing them God knows where. Some said it was because they reminded him of his old life as a man which he lost over dickery of Summoners.

"See, uh, we need two diver suits. We need to sort of wander somewhere and..."

"**LIKE YESTERDAY?" **Nautilus inquires, getting up. He's way bigger than I remembered. Then again, he's summoned less often than he used to be. Hatstand and Fisto both seem more appealing to Summoners for whatever reason. Irelia looks at me funny.

"...yeah. Like yesterday. There's also one more thing..."

"We need to reach Tidecaller's domain." Black-haired woman takes the matter from me. Thank you. The way Anchor tilts his head makes me think he might be very confused right now.

"**I KNOW THE WAY THERE... BUT THEY DON'T LIKE ME." **He remarks.

"It's okay, Titan of the Depths." Irelia gives Nautilus a small reassuring smile. "All we need is to find her whereabouts."

"**OH. OKAY."** He lifts one of the bigger rocks on the shore and puts it aside, revealing a moderately-sized hole. "**SUITS ARE THERE. COME WITH ME." **With that spoken, Nautilus begins climbing down the hole. He fits just about right, so I guess he probably dug it himself. If he can get in there, we should be able to with ease, even with Irelia's blades floating around. Seems there's some ladder in there too, so there should be no problem.

After going down for a minute or so, we find ourselves in some submarine cave. There's a small slippery area where one can set their feet relatively easily, but any further it's deep water. Nautilus has here a small stone chair, carved in the wall and another one on the opposite side of this small room, likely for any visitors he could possibly get. They're big enough for both me and Irelia to fit in there, so we just sit and watch him hop underwater and taking out two human-sized diver suits out of the water a while later.

"Hopefully we can set all of this straight." Black-haired woman sighs, watching the suits.

"And break the teeth of a jackass who did that as well." I add, grinning slightly. She smiles at me too. I wonder if she still thinks about those rather unfortunate events related to her back then?

Irelia reluctantly puts a head on my shoulder. I'm not stopping her, she might be tired is all.

"**WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO THERE ANYWAY?"** Anchor asks us, shooting us a stare.

"Oh, just need to receive something from there."

"**OH. OKAY. TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE READY. WE CAN GO THERE THEN." **He sits in his own stone chair, waiting for us.

* * *

One thing I know now: I will never wear a diver suit ever again. This thing is so damn heavy! Since we, however, had little in case of alternatives, we had to grit our teeth and make our way to Nami's palace or town or whatever.

It's funny how Irelia's blades move slower through the water. Seems they're not used to having to cut through something constantly and the pressure at the bottom of the ocean isn't exactly the lowest. Thankfully, Nautilus picked out paths that were relatively high, so we won't get squashed like tomatoes.

We spent a good couple of hours walking through the ocean without a word before we finally began to climb. Next few moments later, it was before us.

Gangplank's ship adorned with seaweed and shells. Just behind it, a giant construction made of cay, perhaps bigger than Piltover.

Town of the merfolk.

* * *

**Alright. Let's see where this will head. Also, I'm thinking of turning the rating to M after all... not quite sure yet. Anyway, read and review.**


	4. Oceanian Obscurities

**What could possibly happen in a palace of merfolk? Let's find out.**

* * *

The Marai – that's one of the names of merfolk – spotted our three quite quickly. Three mermen armed with threateningly-looking tridents. Not a biggie usually, but this time we were in heavy diver suits. To add complications, Nautilus wasn't exactly the most liked guy around. Probably something to do with those eldritchy things that dragged him down the ocean in his past day.

"Halt." The biggest of the mermen gives us a challenging glare. "What is your business here, landwalkers? More importantly, why is that... thing with you?" He actually spits at Anchor's feet. Nautilus doesn't take offense, thank God.

"Greetings, men of the sea." Irelia decides to take diplomacy in her hands. "Please forgive us intruding the domain of your folk, but we have an urgent matter that needs to be explained to the Tidecaller as soon as possible." One of the mermen eyes my companion's blades levitating in the air.

"The Tidecaller is currently busy." The lead merman responds, still rather cautious. "She will be informed of your presence here shortly."

"Awesome." I remark, removing my helmet. God, I can finally breathe again. "Think we can insert ourselves in here?" Mermen look at me as if I was some freak of nature. What? The hair color?

"...yes. We do not oppose to this concept, as long as... your anchor-wielding friend stays outside." Nautilus shrugs.

"We must thank you for your assistance in getting here though." Irelia turns to him, nodding thanks.

"**NOT A PROBLEM. HOPEFULLY YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT TO." **With that, he gives a barely perceptive nod to me, turns on his heel and slowly lumbers back into depths.

* * *

I should probably mention how the whole thing with Nami's town started. She embarked on some sort of quest to find something called "moonstone". She joined the League some time ago, a year or so, to find it and apparently succeeded. Seems she was crowned as some sort of leader and currently leads the race of Marai, although she's still a part of the League, mainly as Deep Ocean's sole representative(both Fish and Anchor stick with Bilgewater) in the Institute.

As both me and Irelia can see, she seems to embrace some parts of "landwalkers"' culture. The whole palace is located partially underwater, partially above it. Mermen who spoke to us spoke using air and so on.

Currently, the two of us were sitting in a small room on our own, awaiting to be summoned by Nami's merfolk to present our case. Actually, I do wonder who could possibly make her busy? Fizz seems like the only person that comes to mind, but then again he wouldn't be around for regal meetings and such. Who would it be then? Someone from city-states, trying to get her for their case? Unlikely, but one cannot eliminate such possibility.

"It's a beautiful place." Irelia is looking through the window, absolutely awe-struck. Guess it reminds her about Ionian gardens, which are famed world-wide. I think some sectors of Piltover were even modeled after them, but I never bothered to go there. Too fancy for my taste.

"I guess." I give it a small glance. It does look quite nice. Soothing, relaxing. Guess I can see what's so funky in that. "Funny, how I keep visiting places for the first time ever. First Ionia, then Bilgewater, now this..."

"You must visit for a while longer one day, Vi." She smiles at me.

"Yeah. In a year, once everyone stops looking for me..." I respond with an awkward chuckle.

"We'll explain everything, you don't have to worry."

"Yeah, I totally don't have to worry about balls-throwing gal acting like on constant period and a brooder with hairy legs. Not at all." Irelia actually chuckles.

"That was rather mean." She remarks, wiping a tear out of her eye. She really seems amused despite that though.

"I aim to please." I grin widely. Black-haired woman gets up from her chair and stretches a bit, her blades doing a back-flip in the meantime.

"Have you wondered who might be taking her time?" She asks me, moving her chair to mine.

"Yeah, a bit. Nothing comes to my mind though." I shrug in response, raising an eyebrow ever so slightly. Is she actually thinking of making a move here? Or maybe I'm just overly paranoid?

"Perhaps it's one of local underwater dukes or something in similar shape?"

"Might be. Never been too good on politics like that." I shrug again. She just smiles and before I have any time for reaction she takes a seat on my knees, grinning like a content kid.

"...Irelia. I feel a bit uncomfortable like that." I say, trying to keep my cool.

"Do you now?" She smirks in a way that I most definitely don't like. For the love of God, I don't recall you being so clingy!

"How about we wait until we're back on land, huh? Considerin' the fact we're in a place where we should be careful..." I swear, you keep acting like a cat having a rut!

"That is a promise." And I just got myself into even bigger trouble. Still, there's some possibility she will forget that before we reach the land.

I certainly hope so.

It still doesn't stop her from smooching my cheek though. I'll admit, it does feel pleasant. Still...

My train of thought gets interrupted by two mermen entering our chamber. Thankfully, Irelia hopped off my knees or else we would be having a lot of explaining. Or maybe not, considering their culture is rather different from ours. Who knows?

"The Tidecaller can see you now." The taller of them announces. "Follow us."

* * *

I really do wonder what's with Irelia's sudden change in behavior. Okay, we get it, she likes other girls. She's not the first and will not be the last. Even amongst Champions she's not the only one, though she might have been one of the first. For example, it is common knowledge Moon is fixated on Sun, both in terms of revenge and romance. It is one-sided though. Guess that's why she's always so frustrated and that's why her jokes are so horribly unfunny.

Other side also has their examples. Most shining one would be Gems, although actually he might be as straight as a totem pole and pulling out similar act just for shits and giggles. It's confirmed Bladecape is into other men though.

That still doesn't explain why composed and calm Ionian all of us now suddenly became so giddy. Even back in that Boobs-related incident she had just politely apologized and backed out. That's it.

I'm feeling a bit disturbed by the fact she even casually assumed I'm a lesbian or at least bi. I've never considered such an option, but then again I'm not the type to pursue romance.

Gah. I'll have to ask her later about that, when I'll stop being so bewildered.

Back to the main topic though.

Mermen led us to a large circular chamber. It was remarkably empty, its furnishings consisting only of a large cay-made throne on which Nami waited for us, two smaller ones – likely for any guests and, in that case, for me and Irelia – and a weird map which seemed to display the whole Guardian's Sea with all of its apparent merfolk duchies, curiously marking Bilgewater, Ionia and – weirdly enough – Icathia as "domains of landwalkers".

"I wouldn't expect so many landwalker visitors today." Nami greets us with an inviting gesture. "Guards, you may leave now." Two mermen salute and walk – or rather, fish, uh... slide? - away.

"Well, the matter is somewhat unexpected and equally important..." Irelia starts, somewhat insecurely. Yeah, we're about to ask her to hand the ship over. Considering the decorations, I honestly doubt she will agree.

"Oh, is that so?" Both of us take their seats. "How can I help you then?" It's funny how she doesn't remember the fact that I casually sold her Oranges' ship. Perhaps I was talking to some other merguy?

"Say, have you been doing any purchases from, uh, landwalkers recently?" I ask her. Nami thinks for a while, then nods enthusiastically.

"Why, yes. Someone was kind enough to offer me a ship." The Tidecaller beams, content. Offer a ship? Not sell a ship?

...we're in a way deeper shithole than I expected.

"...do you have any idea who it was?" Irelia asks, cautious tones in her voices.

"Unfortunately no." Nami shakes her head. "I wasn't provided with the appearance of said landwalker. Then again, I didn't ask." She seems to be thinking intensively for a while. "I take you're here to take the ship away?" And now she seems saddened. I let out a somewhat pained sigh.

"Yeah... no offense, Air Bladder, but there's been some... uh, misunderstanding." Now, to choose next words carefully... "See, uh... I might have given that ship to you when I was hammered and..."

"Hammered?" Nami tilts her head curiously. "What do you mean?"

"That would be "intoxicated", Tidecaller." Irelia helps me out in the matter.

"...well, that surely changes the matters..." Wow. Didn't know it would go that easy. "but if the deal has been done, why should I give it back?" ...forget I was thinking positively a second ago.

"...uh... a gesture of goodwill?" I try my luck, giving Nami the best grin I can think of. She seems vaguely amused, but shakes head a moment after.

"I must apologize, but I will not give it back." Alright. Time to put cogs in your head into motion, girl. What can you do to convince her, apart from knocking her unconscious and hijacking the ship in question?

"...is there any way of changing your mind?" Irelia asks. Nami puts a hand to her chin, as if she was thinking again.

"I guess that would depend on circumstances. Would you happen to have something in exchange for that ship?" ...The only thing we have are those diver suits, which would be next to useless for a race that can breathe underwater. There are also my gauntlets and Irelia's blades, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give them for no amount of other things. As for a companion of mine, I honestly doubt she would be eager to give her blades as well.

"...what would you want?" Black-haired woman asks. Actually, now that I look at her, she either ages incredibly well or isn't older than early twenties. Maybe I should call her "girl" in my internal monologue instead?

"Well, what do you have?" That's a great question. _What_ do we have? I give a look to Irelia. Does she have any idea what do we do now?

"Can you please give us a while, Tidecaller?" She looks at me and gestures to move a bit away, likely to talk over something. What could she possibly come up with?

"Of course. We're in no rush." Nami nods, although her interest seems piqued. I'm curious as well.

"Do you have an idea?" I whisper to Irelia, giving her an interested look.

"I do... though you might not like it."

"...go on." She begins whispering the plan to my ear, trying to be as quick as possible.

…

…

…

"Excuse me while I take my diver suit and go to Bandle City." I respond after a while.

"This is a perfectly valid plan." Irelia responds, a little hesitantly. No wonder, after proposing something like that...

"Oh yeah? "Valid plan" my ass, sunshine. I'm not falling for this ploy."

"But it's our only way to-"

"There has to be something else, for God's sake!"

"I'm sorry for interrupting you, but is there a problem?" Nami asks, clearly concerned by my voice going a few steps in volume.

"Not at all, Tidecaller." Irelia responds, clearly trying not to show increasing worry.

"Y-yeah, not at all." I add, perhaps a bit too fast.

"If you say so..." The mergal doesn't seem too convinced, but she steps away as I take Irelia a few steps further away as well.

"Irelia. This is the dumbest idea ever. Are you absolutely sure it's the only thing we have in store?"

"I'm afraid so. It won't be that bad though."

"It will be so bad you don't even know." Suddenly, she looks away.

"...I can take it myself, you know."

"...what?"

"I mean, I can see why are you repulsed by the idea... I can do it instead of you. That was the plan all along actually." ...I'm at loss of words right now. I assumed she's going to drag me into this mess. She, Irelia.

God, do I feel stupid right now.

"Look, Irelia, I just..." Long sigh. "I... uh, I don't quite feel comfortable with..."

"I don't either. Still, we cannot say if we don't give it a try." ...dear God, forgive me for all the ensuing stupidity and absurdity that will continue for the next hour or so.

"I'm not leaving you on your own, sunshine."

* * *

We asked Nami to give us a moment to prepare what we had in exchange for Oranges' ship. I won't lie, said preparations consisted only of putting away Irelia's blades and my gauntlets(albeit I did that rather reluctantly – not that you can blame me). Then, Irelia asked if there is some place of rest for any landwalkers that would hypothetically stay for a night. Much to her chagrin, Tidecaller replied negatively. When, however, my black-haired companion pointed out that all we need is a place private and relatively isolated, Nami didn't think too much and almost instantly directed us on Oranges' ship, to what I take were his private cabins. Oh well. Irelia's long face had me warned, but since the ship wasn't moving, it was relatively safe to move on without a risk of her needing to stick her head outside again.

"So what is it that you could give me in exchange for this ship?" She asks us, looking at us curiously. Here comes the hard part.

"Allow me to ask a rather indecorous question as a start, Tidecaller." Irelia tents her fingers before getting up and starting walking here and there around the cabin. Makes me nervous. "How are the Marai... doing love?" She said that with a straight face, not a slightest shade of embarrassment. Nami, for one, seems confused more than shamefaced though.

"Oh, well, it's mostly about a male inserting his roe into the tail of the female. Sort of like seahorses. Why do you ask?" This is so going to fail, and the fail itself will be so spectacularly pathetic you don't even know.

...I'm going to skip the rest of this chatter and its aftermath. All I have to say it didn't go as bad as I suspected.

* * *

**Sorry if the ending seems a bit farfetched, but I wanted to get this behind me and continue on with continuing hilarity. Read and review, of course. :3**


End file.
